


I Ain’t a Hero

by calshighway



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: AU, Also The Mick/Callum Realtionship We Deserve, Boat crash, Hopeful Ending, Imagine Callum Wasn’t Kidnappeed, M/M, What Could Happen If They Gave Callum A PTSD SL, What If Callum Was On The Boat, lots of angst I’m sorry, mainly from callum’s pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:29:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24230599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calshighway/pseuds/calshighway
Summary: When the boat starts to sink, Callum knows Ben is in danger. He’s taken back to a time in his past where he was too late. A life was lost and many more were changed forever. In another situation where multiple lives are at risk, including his own, can Callum be the hero this time?Or, what could’ve happened if Callum was on the boat as well that night.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 10
Kudos: 57





	I Ain’t a Hero

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! so this is the first fic i’ve ever written, scary stuff.  
> Inspired by the lovely @benshearingaid on twitter to write what could have happened if Callum was at the boat party!  
> Another huge inspiration for this is the angel @scarletseidhr who stays up until the early hours to discuss how it would go if Callum was given the mental health storyline he deserves. we’re very passionate about it, so here’s a glimpse of what we think could happen. This au is mainly about Callum, and his ptsd and subsequent guilt from what happened in the army when he got injured, so Ben doesn’t feature so much. Sorry Ben fans but Callum deserves some spotlight! 
> 
> I couldn’t have written this without Beth and her amazing ideas! 
> 
> This has been so fun to do, i hope you all enjoy!

Callum’s just about to make his third remark about his older brother’s ridiculous choice of outfit, not hiding his amusement at Stuart’s inability to keep his previous meal down as he throws up _again_ into a nearby bucket, when he feels the room jolt suddenly. He’s not sure how with the volume of the music playing mixed with drunken shouts, mainly coming from Mo, but Callum is also certain he hears the sound of a gunshot at the same time. Looking around, the rest of the crowd don't seem to pick up on it, but after years spent in the army in close proximity to a range of weapons at all times, ensuring his section’s safety and that of the civilians, he’s able to recognise the sound easily.

Upon hearing it, his first thought is _Ben._

His first thought is always Ben.

Ever since that night at Callum and Whitney’s flat warming party, he's thought of little else. It was the first time he saw Ben. Properly _saw_ him. The _real him._ Walls down, open and vulnerable in front of Callum as he relived the most heartbreaking story of his life. It was then that Callum realised there was more to Ben than mind games and manipulation, that the cold exterior he presented to the world was all an act, and that deep down, he was broken.

Maybe it was that Callum was just a sucker for a sob story, too empathetic for his own good, that made him want to know more about Ben. He wants to ask him why he acts the way he does; why making everyone around him feel bad made him feel better.

Or maybe it was that Callum saw himself in Ben. Saw himself in the reflection in the eyes that looked at him with the most emotion he’d ever seen in Ben’s eyes before. He recognised the broken man he saw in front of him, he recognised him because _he too_ was broken. 

He was broken, but over the months spent with Ben, he was beginning to feel himself heal. They both were. Together, they know they’re going to be okay.

That’s what brought them to the boat party. After the events that happened over the Christmas period, they decided a night of partying was well deserved; a chance to let off some steam and finally let go of the stress of the past month. Ben and Callum both know they’re better together than they are apart, tonight was about them celebrating that. Celebrating _them._

They’re enjoying the night. A pleasant buzz about them as they consume glass after glass of champagne - it was free, after all. They don't leave each other’s side for the majority of it, each man not wanting to leave the other alone, they’ve spent enough time apart recently. Callum’s pleasantly surprised to see even Ben and Stuart are getting along for once tonight. Alcohol in both of their bloodstreams is a contributing factor, Callum’s certain.

The two of them steal kisses and dance together, Ben appalled at Callum’s shockingly bad moves. It can only be described as dad dancing, and Callum laughs as Ben mocks him lightheartedly, saying even Ian could do better, too busy enjoying himself to take offence. 

Callum’s busy commenting on Stuart’s pirate costume, teasing him about how the beard reminds him of the perm Stuart had in the eighties that he’d seen in an old photograph once, so he doesn’t notice when Ben is distractedly looking off in the direction of the door. He’s convinced he’s just seen something, or rather _someone_ he thought he’d never see again.

Trusting his gut instinct, Ben decides to follow the figure that’s heading to the top deck of the boat. 

“I'm just gonna go find us some more free booze, babe”, Ben says, grabbing Callum’s attention with a hand placed on his elbow. Callum nods at him with a smile, makes an attempt at a wink but in his slightly inebriated state it comes across as more of an odd sort of blink. Although, that's also how he winks when he's completely sober, Ben thinks as he squeezes Callum’s arm affectionately and makes his way in the direction of who he’s just seen.

-

Confusion arises amongst the residents of Albert Square as the music cuts out and the words “we all need to evacuate the boat immediately” coming from the boat’s Captain fill Callum’s ears. That’s enough for him to know something _serious_ is going on, instincts that were instilled in him from strict army officers kicking in and his adrenaline levels begin to increase. This, combined with the gunshot he just heard, means all he can think is that Ben is in danger. Someone he loves is in danger.

Questions are thrown the Captain’s way as people start to realise the gravity of the situation. The atmosphere in the crowded room begins to become panicked as people call out and search for loved ones. Cries of “we’re sinking” and “what’s happening” can be heard in conjunction with calm reassurance from more level headed passengers attempting to calm increasingly frantic family and friends. Following the instructions of the Captain of the boat, the party goers rush towards the top deck, a few shoves here and there to ensure them and their own are first to get off the now sinking boat. 

There’s a lot of commotion and shouting, as Callum stands in the corner of the room and watches on. This level of panic and chaos reminds him of a place he's been to before; a place that once kept him up at night, waking him up in a cold sweat as he relived what happened there. A place he's desperately tried so hard to block out from his memory. 

Callum shakes his head, trying to snap out of it, the haunting memories and images threatening to creep into his mind again. This is not the time to think about that day, so he pushes it back down; something he’s become so used to doing it's _almost_ easy now. 

Muttering a few quiet apologies pushing his way through the crowd, ignoring Mo shouting something at him about women and children coming first, Callum rushes in the opposite direction of the lifeboats and towards where the gunshot came from. 

Making his way up to the deck at the front of the boat, the first thing Callum sees as he reaches the top of the stairs is a body on the floor just in front of the door, groaning in what he assumes is pain. Coming fully out of the door and getting a proper look, he realises immediately who it is.

_Phil Mitchell._

Considering the last Callum had heard of Phil was that he was in Portugal hiding from the law following the events at Christmas, he was shocked to see him here on the boat at all, let alone lying on the floor. Blood is dripping from his nose and a nice purple bruise already forming around his eye. He’s slipping in and out of consciousness, eyes fluttering closed as he tries to keep them open, trying to look at _something._

Looking down at Phil, Callum’s reminded of what he learnt in army training. His mind focuses entirely on what he knows about how to deal with gunshot wounds, as he remembers the noise he heard and connects the two.

_Gun. Phil. Wound. Bleeding out._

_Save him._

Almost as if it's a switch that can be turned on, Callum’s training fully kicks in as he bends down to assess the casualty. Look for the wound. Is there an entrance and exit wound? Is it near any major organs? Stop the bleeding. Apply direct pressure. Keep the casualty talking. Keep the casualty _alive._

As he begins trying to find the wound, thoughts going a mile a minute, Callum hears a shuffling commotion coming from the very front of the boat. Looking up, he sees two figures emerge from the small room in which the boat’s wheel is. 

The two figures look familiar to Callum. They’re fighting, punching at each other every chance they get, shouts of aggression and pain come from their mouths. 

As they turn, Callum gets a front view of one of their faces. He knows who they are by now, the checked coat giving him away almost immediately. That's his boyfriend. On a sinking boat while his father is lying on the floor, possibly bleeding out.

Fighting with someone Callum believed to be dead.

_Keanu Taylor._

“Ben!”, Callum shouts to him, confusion and worry evident in his tone, what was going on?

Shocked to hear that voice, Ben pauses and turns towards it. Why is Callum here? The boat is _sinking,_ what the hell is he still doing on board? 

“Callum? Get off the boat right now, it's not safe!”.

Ben’s overwhelming instinct to protect Callum proves to be nearly fatal when Keanu takes this momentary halt as an opportunity to lunge for Ben, finally getting a chance to end this, to get away from Walford and the Mitchells for good.

After following Keanu to the top deck, Ben’s certain he’s finally lost it and that he’s now seeing ghosts. He’s shocked to see him and Phil, another person he wasn't expecting to see tonight, fighting inside the Captain’s room

With his first thought, as always, to protect his dad, and with the overwhelming feeling of hatred he has towards Keanu Taylor, Ben runs towards them in an attempt to break them up. In the process of doing this, Keanu is thrown into the wheel of the boat. 

Unknown to everyone on the boat, what with the captain briefly knocked out as a result of a hard punch to the face from Phil, the boat is slowly heading in the direction of crashing. 

“Dad! Dad leave it!”, Ben shouts at Phil, prying him away, eager for him to avoid a prison sentence for assault, “you know what happens if you even lay a finger on him!”, he reminds Phil, who’s looking extremely dazed as a result of a few strong punches from Keanu. 

He may be a lying, betraying piece of shit in Phil’s mind, but damn he can throw a good punch.

As Phil sulks away towards the door, swaying slightly with dizziness, shouting about how Keanu will still get what's coming to him, Ben locks eyes with Keanu.

After everything Ben had to put up with once Keanu got his feet firmly under _his_ family’s table, every criticism he took from Phil asking him _why cant you be more like Keanu?_ After having to sit back and watch his own father love and _accept_ this stranger more than he has ever accepted him, give him everything Ben has ever wanted from Phil - respect. 

And then to watch him throw all of it back in Phil’s face. Get his sister _and_ their step-mum pregnant and hide it for all those months, all the while reaping the benefits of being exactly who Phil Mitchell wanted in a son; someone Ben could _never_ be, no matter how hard he tried. 

Well, Ben was furious. Of course he was. Keanu had hurt his family. Betrayed his dad’s trust and left his little sister heartbroken. Ben was relieved his planned hit on him had somehow fallen through - though he’ll still be sure to give Martin Fowler what for next time he sees him - but that didn't stop Ben’s want to punish Keanu for what he's done to his family. 

_Family is everything,_ after all. Right?

-

It’s over too quick for Callum to stop it. 

One moment Ben had his eyes locked onto his, pleading with him to get off the boat while he still could, the next, he's being thrown overboard with Keanu following him over the railings and being plunged into the icy cold temperatures of the Thames river in February. 

Callum’s stuck. He doesn’t know what he should do. Army instincts take over again and he’s reminded to _prioritize the casualties._ In a small moment, Callum’s mind runs through every possibility. _Who is in greater need of medical assistance?_

_Ben can swim, right? Phil might be bleeding out. He could die. But what if Ben goes into shock upon entrance to the water? Phil’s lungs could be collapsing. Ben didn't fall from a huge height. But what if he-_

Callum’s frantic thoughts are interrupted by the call of a member of the rescue team, and this snaps him back into reality. What is he doing? His _boyfriend_ has just gone overboard an increasingly quickly sinking boat. 

Without a second thought to the potential consequences to his own welfare, Callum runs and launches himself over the same railing he just witnessed Ben go over, plunging into the murky water headfirst, arms outstretched. 

How cold the water is doesn't even cross his mind, the only thing running through his mind is Ben. _Save Ben. Save Ben._

_Save them._

_Halfway, you’ve got to save them!_

_-_

Ben’s just about ready to give up when he feels a strong pair of arms grab under his own, taking his weight and holding him up. 

He’s exhausted.

It shocked him how quickly he grew tired, having not been in the water that long. He never was the strongest swimmer, always making the choice to avoid it where he could; not wanting the hassle of dealing with his hearing aid and contact lenses. 

Both of which had been well and truly ruined now. 

Ben’s vision was blurred as the water seeped underneath between his lenses and the surface of his eyes, getting trapped there and stinging terribly. The only thing Ben could hear was an overwhelming ringing in his ears, particularly in the one his hearing aid resides in. He wasn't sure whether this was from the water, or the fact he bashed his head on the side of the boat after falling in. 

He bashed his head _hard._

There was an agonising pain there and it left Ben feeling dizzy and disorientated to say the least. His throat was burning with the intake of water from his panicking as he went under, not certain if he would reach the surface again, in more ways than one. 

Thankfully for the pair, the lady who had tended to Phil, who had not been shot, just knocked out from the mix of punches and his increasing age, and saw Callum jump in had alerted her colleagues and there was now a boat on its way over to get them out of the water and back to safety. 

Callum saw it nearing towards them as he used every ounce of strength he had to keep the two of them afloat. 

Every new second he was in the water was getting more and more agonising. Ben’s weight was almost entirely dependent on Callum, and despite being quite a bit taller than Ben, something he always teased him about, it was proving to be irrelevant to their current situation as it seemed Ben grew heavier and heavier with every passing moment.

But Callum will not let him go. He will not have _another_ life lost on his watch. He won't see another helpless child’s face drop as they realise they’re not getting mummy home. He won't hold another child as they are screaming at the sight they've just witnessed. He won't watch as it dawns on a comrade that he’ll never walk again, realisation hitting him in the face that it was _down to him._

He won't do that again. So he uses everything he has left and manages to hold Ben up long enough for the rescue team to pull him up and onto their boat. 

With the knowledge that Ben’s safe, Callum lets go. He's drained. Every muscle is on fire with the resistance of weight. He’s slipping under, but it doesn't matter. Ben is safe. He did it this time. He's just under the water for a millisecond when he feels himself being pulled up by his arms, and when he opens his eyes he too is on the boat. Instantly, blankets and foil are being draped over his shoulders and people are fussing over him. 

Callum shrugs them off. He’s not important. 

“Just make sure he’s okay”, He chokes out, voice strained from shouting for help as he held Ben above the water, nodding in the direction of Ben. 

Looking across at him, Ben is in a daze, looking around frantically, confused and unsure, senses compromised, fatigue and cold setting deep in his bones. 

Callum stretches out a hand, shaking from the coldness he now feels combined with the high amount of adrenaline coursing through his bloodstream. He places it on Ben’s cold cheek, water dripping from his hair and rolling down his face, off the edge of his nose. His lips are practically blue and his teeth are chattering. 

Ben flinches when he feels Callum’s hand on his face, but once he realises who’s hand it is he relaxes into it. Callum doesn't move his hand away until they reach the river bank and he's helping Ben off and back onto dry land where they’re separated from each other, both being taken to separate ambulances to be checked over by paramedics. 

Once Callum insists to the medic that there’s _nothing wrong_ with him, that others are in much more need of their help, he’s free to go. He doesn't know what to do. Where he might be needed most. Who might still be in danger.

Looking round, all he sees is devastation. _Again._ He’s been here before. Callum pushes the thought down again as he assesses the situation, sorting through in his mind who looks like they need help the most. 

As he’s stumbling around, eyes wild, he bumps into Mick. 

“Halfway! Thank god you’re alright, son”, he greets him, pulling him into a hug. The nickname takes Callum by surprise, not hearing it nowadays as often as he used to.

_Halfway! On me, we’ve got to get them out of here!_

“Where’s Ben?” Mick asks, snapping Callum out of his thoughts, thoughts that are becoming harder to push away. This causes Callum to spin wildy, eyes searching. _Where is Ben?!_

As he’s searching for his boyfriend, he scans the scene before him, and his eyes land on someone in the distance, talking to a police officer and then being handcuffed and escorted to a nearby police car. 

It's Whitney. 

Mick follows Callum’s eyes once he sees the confusion and panic on his face and he looks on as Whitney comes clean, handing the knife over to the policeman. 

Thinking back, this makes sense.

Callum was sure it was something _he_ did. Why wouldn't it be Callum? Could he really expect Whitney to trust him with anything after what he did to her? He broke her trust. He did the one thing he swore he’d never do. Knowing all Whitney has faced his blokes that treat her badly in her past, he _promised_ he’d never hurt her. Not his Whit.

He can't even blame her, nor does he want to. The last thing he deserves is her trust. He ruined it, all of it. So he wasn't surprised when Whitney was interested in anything _other_ than Callum earlier on that night. 

Ben was busy, Lexi had called him, insisting she _absolutely cannot go to sleep without saying goodnight to daddy first,_ so Callum took the opportunity to catch up with Whitney. He knew Ben wouldnt have an issue with it, there were no bad feelings between the two anymore. 

Seeing her escape to the outside of the boat, leaning her elbows on the railings, Callum appeared behind her, slightly lightheaded from the champagne, feeling _happy._

“There you are!” Callum said joyfully as he came to rest alongside her, mirroring her actions with his elbows resting on the railings, a friendly smile on his face that always seemed to be there. 

It faltered slightly though when all Callum got in return was the poor attempt at a smile from Whitney, the corners of her lips barely upturned, eyes almost vacant as she looked at Callum. 

Brushing it off, Callum continued his attempt at conversation with who he considered his best friend. He was happy that they were still able to be close after Callum came out and their relationship finished. He was grateful for how supportive Whitney had been. It only caused the guilt he already felt to worsen, however. Knowing he didn't deserve her friendship after what he did. He couldn't forgive himself, he was amazed Whitney could.

No matter how many questions Callum asked, however many times he nudged her playfully and made a bad joke in an attempt to lighten Whitney’s mood, it was still met with the bare minimum until Whitney walked away entirely, mumbling something about not being able to do this. 

-

So Callum’s earlier paranoia that he had done something to upset Whitney tonight was disproven once Mick filled him in on the events that took place over in poor Dot’s kitchen mere hours ago. 

He felt awful. 

_Why didn't he notice something had happened? Why was he selfish enough to think it was about him? Of course Whit wouldn’t trust him enough now to confide in him. Why didn't he do more? Why didn't he protect Whitney from evil Leo?_

He’d let her down _. Again._ Worse this time. 

Once again, the lines between what was in Callum’s head and what was reality were starting to blur again. _He let her down._ He let her children down. _The children._

“Where are the children?! _”_ Callum asked, voice wavering with the rising uncertainty he was feeling. “Did they get out this time?!”.

Confused at what he meant by ‘this time’, Mick looks at Callum, who’s breath is becoming increasingly erratic, with a sad look in his eye. Callum’s seen that look in those eyes before. Remembers it from his childhood and adolescent years. They looked at him with that same sadness when Callum would tell Mick what horrible things his father had said to him that week. 

Mick gestured towards something. Turning and looking on in horror at _something_ near the water’s edge. He looked pained. Callum followed his nod and saw what he was gesturing to. 

Laying there, surrounded by paramedics, was a body. 

“Unfortunately, he was the only kid on board, son”

It's Dennis. 

Dennis who’s only _thirteen_ years old. Dennis who played pranks on the neighbors and could talk his way out of it with a cheeky smile. Dennis who’s _Ben's Little brother._

As Mick makes his way back to Linda, the pair of them also having a near miss tonight, Callum looks around. 

The noise of sirens fill his ears, along with the low mumble of comforting words as arms are wrapped around loved ones with the knowledge that any one of them could be lying cold on the pavement alongside Denny. What was supposed to be a night of celebration has turned into a nightmare. A night away from Albert Square. A place that holds the darkest memories for so many. A chance to recharge and return with a new attitude, bringing some light back with them.

But the darkness seemed to follow them around, silently suffocating all of them. The only thing they’d be bringing back home was even more darkness and the smashed up Queen Vic bust. 

One thing is certain now, the square will be that little bit darker still now that a bright spirit like Denny would no longer run about its streets or market or park or gardens. Now that his light had been put out forever.

A few of the residents are still searching for loved ones, shouting their names in the fear they won't ever be found. There’s crying too. Though Callum’s not sure who from, thinks it sounds like children. His eyes are fixed on one space in front of him now, senses going into overload with the noise. 

One person searching for a loved one is Stuart. He’s shouting Callum’s name, looking everywhere for him. 

Callum hears his name being called, but it's not Stuart’s voice. 

“Callum! There you are, i've been looking everywhere for ya mate, you just ran away i had no-”

Stuart’s voice isn't reaching Callum at all now. 

All he can hear in his ears is ringing. The noise from the IED too much for his ears to cope with, given how close it was to him. A mere twenty feet in front of him. He sees it all. The Mum. Gone in a second, just like that. He holds her child as he kicks and bites, screams and cries, thrashes against him to get to her but Callum knows he can't. _Knows it's too late._ He sees him too. Jason. Is reminded of how his life is changed forever. He’ll never walk again. And _Callum gave him the order to go in._ All Callum can hear is chaos and he's forgetting how to breath. Every inhale feels like sand in his lungs. Sand from that day, suffocating him with the memories. Memories he’d put all his energy into _forgetting._

He struggles as he feels two big hands cover his ears tightly. He can’t see who they belong to so he wants them off of him, he wriggles and tries to break free. 

Until the noise in his ears doesn't sound so loud anymore. The screams of children and the shouts of his captain dull down. Gradually, he begins to come back to reality. He hears words of comfort, of familiarity. He tries to remember where they came from. 

He’s taken back to his childhood, memories of his father shouting, _again._ Callum’s too young to understand why he's shouting, doesn't understand what he did so wrong. But he feels two hands come to cover his ears, blocking out the noise as words of comfort are spoken softly alongside. He can’t hear them clearly, but he knows they’re there. He knows they’re _safe._

Callum opens his eyes to see Stuart knelt down in front of him. He’s not sure when he sank to the floor. His hands are still pressed over Callum’s ears, shielding him from the noise from the rest of the world. Callum wishes it was always this simple to block things out. 

Soon, Callum’s breathing rate is back to normal, he’s not gasping for air anymore and his head feels a lot clearer. They're unsure whether his forehead is still damp from the river water or if he’s sweating, either way his hair clings to his forehead. Callum looks so far away from the well groomed image he maintains for himself, hair usually styled in place with a firm grip from his favorite hair gel, tidy shirts usually styled with a jacket. But now, he looks disheveled, _broken._ His cheeks are red, whether it was from the cold or the hyperventilating, no one could tell. It’s Callum’s eyes that really break Stuart’s heart as he stares into them, checking him over. Where they usually hold so much brightness, now all he can see in them is exhaustion. He looks broken.

As Callum remembers where he is, he awkwardly thanks his brother; embarrassed by what he just had to see and do. He doesn't deserve sympathy. Not after what he did. He is _beyond exhausted_ now. He wants to go home, go to bed and sleep for the rest of the week. 

Until he remembers Ben. 

Despite his protests, Callum ignores Stuart and gets back onto his feet. He sets off to find Ben, still shaky with the weight of what just happened. 

Soon enough, he spots Ben sitting on the back of an ambulance, he practically runs over and wraps his arms around him, pressing a kiss to his head. 

Ben is still dazed, eyes stinging less now he’s rid of his contact lenses but vision blurred without the aid of his glasses. 

“Are you okay?” Callum whispers into Ben’s hair, still damp. When he doesn't get a response, Callum pulls back and looks at Ben, who’s squinting at him in an attempt to see him better. 

“Are you okay?” Callum repeats, too quick for Ben to look at his lips, so he misses what he’s said. 

Callum is about to ask again when the paramedic who's writing up notes speaks up. She explains that Ben hit his head on the side of the boat when he went over, how he can’t hear _anything_ right now, not helped by the fact his hearing aid is logged with water.

_Oh._

Callum doesn't know what to say, so he just pulls Ben back towards him and hugs him into his chest, rubbing a soothing hand through his hair. 

“He insisted we waited for you before going to the hospital”, the medic continues, “he’s going to need a head CT and a consultation with an audiologist to determine the damage done to his hearing”. Callum just nods at her, unable to find the words as he continues to hold Ben. 

At the hospital, Ben is asleep in his room. They decided to keep him in overnight as a precaution considering the severity of his head trauma. He’s due to see the audiologist in the morning. 

Callum hadn't left Ben’s side and he held his hand as he drifted to sleep.

But there was no way Callum would be getting any sleep. Not for a while, he suspects. 

He’s in the corridor of the hospital, sitting in an uncomfortable plastic chair when Kathy approaches him. She looks almost as tired as Callum feels. He found out from Lola that Bobby had been taken in earlier after an attack, so knew Kathy was already here. He can only imagine her horror when _both sons_ were bought in not long after her grandson. 

She takes a seat next to him and they exchange a smile. They’re forced, neither of them conveying much emotion except pain.

“Thank you” is all Kathy says and Callum closes his eyes with a sigh. He doesn't want this, doesn't _deserve_ this. 

“You went in and you saved my son. I’m so grateful, Callum, you’re a hero”. Kathy says with sincerity, knowing how different it could have been if Callum wasn't there. 

Callum musters up his best smile, not wanting to be rude to someone he thinks so much of. 

“I heard. About young Dennis. I can’t even imagine how Sharon feels right now. But if it weren’t for you, Callum, maybe i’d be in the same position as her right now”. She chokes on her words towards the end, unable to bear even the thought of Ben not being so lucky, and stands to give Callum a hug. 

Callum nods at her, and Kathy understands he can't find the words right now, and leaves him alone again to call some family. 

After a while of sitting in that chair, Callum grows agitated and restless, and, not wanting to disturb Ben by being clumsy and probably knocking something over in his room and waking him, heads to the hospital’s cafe for a hot chocolate. He still feels cold. He’s not sure if he’ll ever feel true warmth again. 

-

He’s staring into his cup, contents now cold, when someone claps him on the shoulder. He jumps at the touch, still feeling shaken from his earlier episode, still on edge. He realises it's just Mick when he takes a seat in front of him. He smiles and asks after Ben, Callum explains everything and returns the courtesy of asking after Linda. He finds out that she injured her ankle after getting trapped in the kitchen when the boat started to go under, hence why Mick is here at Walford General, just waiting on the results of her X-Ray. 

After a few minutes of silence, Mick speaks up. 

“Halfway, son. What you done-”

“No, Mick, please, I didn’t do anything”, Callum interrupts, looking into his cup, clearly uncomfortable with the direction the conversation is heading in. 

“No, no, let me say this. What you did, Callum, was so _brave_ ” Trying his best to convey how serious he is by avoiding using Callum’s nickname. “Honestly, son, I don't know how you did that”.

Callum knows he’s still talking but all he can think is _what!? He didn’t do anything anyone else wouldn’t do,_ unable to see the seriousness of what he did. Jumping into a freezing river and almost drowning yourself to make sure someone else is okay, putting your own life as a last priority. 

He didn't understand. That’s _his job._ He _has_ to save people if they’re in danger. _Otherwise what else is there? Who is he? He can’t fail again._

From a young age, Callum put his own self worth in the hands of other people. Constantly put down by his father, shouted at, rejected by his mother, she left when he was young. Too young for him to remember much about her. The only thing Callum knew about her was that she didn't want him. _He wasn’t good enough for her._

This narrative followed Callum around, grew up with him. Some would see it has part of his personality, he’s shy, humble, modest. But others saw him differently, if they looked hard enough. Ben looked hard enough. He recognised Callum’s insecurity almost from the moment he met him. It’s something he’s actively trying to help Callum with. He’ll compliment him everyday until he believes him, Callum will smile shyly and look down. Ben will tell him all the good things he’s done in his life, remind him how much he’s helped Ben change, grow, how he makes Ben want to be better. How far he’s come and how proud he is of him. 

And Callum really thought he’d made progress too, but when Mick is sitting here praising him the way he is, all Callum wants to do is be sick. 

When Callum zones back into the real world and focuses on what Mick’s saying to him, he’s only catching the end of his little speech. 

“You’re a hero, Halfway. And I'm so proud of you”. 

And now Callum’s sure he will actually throw up. 

Anything but that. _Again._

_Hero._

He’s heard it quite a bit in his life, most often coming from the very man sitting opposite him right now. And everytime he hears it, Callum wants to curl up in a ball and hide away.

“I ain’t a hero”, Callum says flatly, like he’s tired of saying it. _And he is._

Mick laughs, not believing what he’s hearing. Callum’s quite easily one of the bravest men he's ever met. Callum and his Lee, of course. 

“Oh come off it you, you’re the biggest hero I know! Everyone thinks it. Our local superman ain’t ya”.

And Callum can’t take anymore. The weight of events is too heavy on his shoulders, both recent and from the past. How can he ever forget? Why was he so _stupid_ to think he could just bury it and forget it ever happened. Callum doesn't think he’ll ever get over it now. 

Finding Mick’s words, _that word,_ and the thoughts that are racing through his mind too overwhelming, he stands up and turns to leave, ignoring Mick’s questions as he walks away. Mick cares too much for Callum to let him go so he follows him, grabs his arm and forces him to face him. 

Callum’s eyes are wet with tears, ever so close to spilling over. Callum’s trying to hold them back, hands clenched into fists, worried if he starts he’ll never stop. 

With that sickening look of sympathy on Mick’s face, Callum breaks. 

“Don’t be nice to me Mick, please, I don't deserve it I- I don't deserve your sympathy”. Callum stutters, trying to keep his composure. 

When Mick goes to interrupt him, Callum continues.

“No! I mean it, Mick. It was my fault, everythings my fault! Ben, Jason, I'm the reason those kids don't have a mother anymore! I know what that's like, Mick, I know how much it ruins your life, and I did that to them kids!” Callum cries, allowing his tears to flow freely now.

Mick knows the story of Jason and what happened with those kids’ mum, but one thing confuses him, 

“Ben? Whats Ben got to do with it, you didn't crash the boat did ya” 

Callum looks down to the floor, tiled in blue, as he takes some deep breaths to try and calm himself down. 

“I was there, when he- when he went overboard. He was fighting with Keanu and I distracted him! Keanu went for him because Ben was too busy trying to get me off the boat. a-and then when he did go down, i froze. I just froze Mick! What kind of soldier does that make me? What kind of _boyfriend_ does that make me?” Callum’s near hysterical at this point, memories of that day replaying in his head again, questions going round about what he could have done differently. 

All Mick can do is pull him in and hug him until he’s calm again, reminding him to breathe and follow his breaths, using the same techniques he uses himself. Reassuring him that it’s going to be okay.

Mick has always thought of Callum like a son. During his later childhood, he often spent more time at the Carter’s than his actual house, always feeling more comfortable there, more welcomed. _Safe._ Mick knew what his father was like, experienced it all with Stuart. He knew that after Stuart had gone away, he’d need to keep an extra eye out for Callum. He feels protective of him now, the same as he does about Nancy and the other boys. Callum and Nancy were like best friends. Their relationship was like any other sibling relationship; Nancy teased Callum and Callum protected her as if she was his own little sister. And in turn, Lee looked out for Callum as well. The three of them joining forces to collectively tease poor Johnny. Callum is considered an honorary Carter now, and Mick would be so proud to call Callum his son.

-

Mick moves them back over to the table at the cafe. Callum’s got his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with what's happened. 

He’s got some questions, because if he knows Callum, and he thinks he does, he knows he’s being too hard on himself like he always is, and with a little rational thinking, they can sort it out. 

When he gently questions him about what happened when Ben went overboard, Callum explains that Phil was there on the floor, and after hearing the gunshot sound arlier, put two and two together and thought Phil had been shot. 

“So you was trying to save Phil? I saw him, after everyone was back on dry land. He was with Dennis”. A silence falls between them as they remember a young kid's life has been lost.

“Phil’s fine, son, physically at least. You trying to save _both_ of them, tho, sounds right noble to me, kid. But you can’t always save everyone, it ain’t your responsibility. You can’t blame yourself, Halfway, that Keanu shouldn’t be pushing people over railings! Ben hit his swede on the boat that ain't your fault either is it? I aint having you blaming yourself for any of this, it was an accident”. Mick tries to reassure Callum. 

Callum smiles at him, feeling a bit better but the guilt is still there, especially as he reflects on Denny, reminded again about the kids he got out. There’s still the nagging thought of _I should've done more._ But he's not sure anymore if it's about what happened today, or what happened two years ago. He never learnt how to deal with it, never _allowed himself_ to deal with it; thinking the easiest way out is to forget. He’s learnt now that no matter how hard you try and push things down, try to drown them out, they _always_ find their way back to the surface. 

That's what he's thinking about as he walks back into Ben's room, Mick going back to Linda with a promise of a drink waiting for Callum at the bar whenever he wants it. 

He smiles at Ben, who is just waking up. He walks over and places a soft kiss on his forehead, finding his hand when he sits down in the chair beside the bed. Jay bought Ben and Callum a change of clothes when he came to visit before getting back to Lola and Lexi, the pair not fancying smelling like a river for the rest of the night. Ben insisted on wearing Callum’s grey Nike hoodie. 

Ben smiles back, he’s in no way feeling good, the ringing in his ears growing almost unbearable, but he’s here. He's with Callum. He’s just glad Callum is here. 

He shuffles over on his hospital bed and gestures for Callum to climb in. 

Callum tries to do it as gracefully as he can, but when there’s that much of him on Ben’s tiny bed, it was a challenge. It earns a small laugh from the pair of them as they settle into each other, Ben’s head on Callum’s chest, feeling his heartbeat against him despite not being able to hear it.

Callum knows there’s nothing he can say when Ben lets out a choked sob as he thinks of Dennis. His little brother was _gone_ , just like that, in the most horrible way. Callum just holds him close and runs a soothing hand through his hair and up and down his arm. 

The events of today have changed both of their lives. And they’ll talk about it, soon enough. Callum will get help to move on from the memories that plague him from the army, and work on his guilt. And Ben will come to terms with being deaf, learn to accept it and not see it as a weakness. 

They know they may never fully recover from the pain they’re both feeling right now. But, as Ben focuses on the feeling of Callum’s heartbeat, a steady reminder that whispers _I'm here,_ they both also know that together, they’re going to be okay. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> eee sorry for not the happiest ending ever! it’s hopeful, right? 
> 
> let me know what you thought, i’m @calshighway on twitter, come say hello :)


End file.
